Change is Going To Do You Good?

What I learned the other night at a meeting. My friend has her family just blasting her. "F_ck you Mom" and "You're out of control!" Her daughter is 21 and I was quick to tell her "put her out!" Another AA member says you need to be patient with your family. A lightbulb comes on. Of course, you are changing so they are used to the old family dynamics and the old you. They are going to bristle at the change.
I told her that my sponsor told me you don't have to be a door mat either. So where you you find that happy median? People new in sobriety are difficult to watch as I don't always have the answers they need. I too stuggle within my own life as to what some of the "answers" should be. My husband and I have had several discussions about my grown son, who lives with us, and some of his behaviors.
It just seems so easy around AA to discuss our problems with each other and come up with solutions. The hard part is going out in the world and practicing it. People don't respond in the way we expect them to. The wonderful thing I have found is that the only person I can control is myself and in doing so I surrender to win. If that makes any sense?


“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.” Arnold Bennett

Welcome Home

Welcome Home Mom and Grandma! I was so fortunate to have all my family waiting on me at home when I got back from the airport yesterday. It was organized chaos though-a situation in which there seems to be a lot of confusion and no organization, which makes you surprised that the results are good. We held out for 2 hours with 2 toddlers, a 10 year old, and 5 adults until a 7:45 dinner at Chilis where our waitress got us in and out in an hour on a Saturday night of all things. Amazing!
Sunday, a storm came in and brought about 7 or so inches of snow and then ice that night. Then cold. I finally made it out Monday night to my first meeting in 2 weeks. I was not very diligent while I was away. Needless to say I was feeling somewhat squirrelly. It was good to be back and in my routine. It is a slow process but I am getting there.
It was good seeing my grandkids over the weekend and having my granddaughter and her mom in from Detroit. My grandson spent the night Saturday night also. Only in sobriety could I do this. For this I am truly grateful.
As far as the weather goes..as they say in Michigan, if you don't like the weather, wait 5 minutes.

What? I am Not the Most Important Person in the Room?

I was watching Monday night's showing of Intervention yesterday. I was reminded of how selfish I was in my active addiction. There was a particular part where the woman was asked if she would go to treatment and she says " On my terms". I almost had to laugh. You're about to lose your child, your marriage, and most of all your life and you are bargaining? What terms could you possibly have? That just shows how cunning, baffling and powerful addiction is. It all made me think of the Toby Keith song I Wanna Talk About Me

I wanna talk about me
Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see
I like talking about you you you you, usually, but occasionally
I wanna talk about me (me,me,me,me- background singers)
I wanna talk about meeeeeeee (me,me- background singers)
(I wanna talk about me- background singers)mmmm me me me me
(I wanna talk about me- background singers)mmmm me me me me
You you you you you you you you you you you you you

I wanna talk about ME!


I'm not selfish but I am all I ever think about. I have to pray every morning and ask that God help me stay sober and relieve me from the bondage of self, that I may better serve Him. I do this because how many times during the day do I think about me? What I want, what others think about me, what will please me, what am I going to do. I don't naturally stop and think what I can give back to life.
I have realized from working the steps that pride and self-importance are character defects. I have to continually watch for these to crop up and work Step 7, Humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings. Sometimes I get tired from trying to do all this in a day. My head spins from all the thoughts going around, trying to work the steps, not be selfish, help others, what do I have to do today, yadda yadda yadda. Then voila! It dawns on me. I am BIPOLAR also. Slow my dumb ass down. Rome wasn't built in a day.

“To remove the evil of egoism, service is the most efficient instrument."

Sri Sathya Sai Baba

If You Can Claim It, You Can Name It

Just because you give up a substance doesn't mean you are well. You take a drunken horse thief and get him sober, you still have a horse thief. I have had to face some of those issues as I have grown in my sobriety. For one, I am still bipolar and I have to continue to take care of myself which means medication and in my case, therapy. I, gasp, have to continue to work at bettering myself. Second, having worked most of the steps, I have found that some of my character defects are addictions in themselves. I have had to take a good look at my shopping habits. I have a fondness for online shopping. I look for sales and bargains and justify it by saying it's too good of a deal to pass up. Other times I just happen to "need" the particular item in my repertoire. The problem is, I end up with a few things that do not fit, are way too young for me, or I end up not liking anyway.

Another sore spot is the computer. I can wile away time to the tune of several hours and not get anything productive done. One area I spent my time was Farmville. I started it with nothing particular in mind and before I knew it, I was racing home to harvest my crops. Then came the dog. She had to be fed or she would run away. I did lose one dog. I just couldn't let that happen again. So I scheduled my time to be there to feed her. But that wasn't the worst. I set up multiple Facebook accounts to get more neighbors. That way I could send myself stuff and also get a bigger farm. I have since extricated it from my Facebook.

Now I am here at my parent's and my mother is on Frontierville. She scares me. She makes me look like a mere peasant. She has had my sister have all her Mafia Wars friends to friend her so they can be neighbors. She now has 80 neighbors. There are hardly any family functions to speak of. You know where to find her now. She is in the computer room. My father has had knee surgery while I have been here and Mom took her laptop to the hospital. She had to feed her animals and harvest her crops. I even signed on to Frontierville so she could get gifts. I said I won't keep it but she asked me to just to send her gifts such as chocolates and lunch baskets. I am watching Intervention so that I know what we must do in order to save her from herself.

From Facebook FAA Discussions 9/15/2009:

My name is Stacey.
I am a Farm-A-Holic.
I thought I had it in control. But the need/ obsession took me over. I admit that I have neglected my friends and family. Being a housewife has enabled me to get my Farm fix multiple times throughout the day. I have added perfect strangers to my friends list in the quest for more neighbors. I have harrassed my real friends to play. And yes, I have even created multiple accounts so that I can gift myself the good gifts. I can't eat. I can't sleep. All I can do is farm. I know that I am sick. But I have no intention of stopping.

I know it may all sound like hooey but I think not. This reminds of some of the behaviors I exhibited during my using. The excitement, the camaraderie, the need for more, the craving, the let down. When I see these patterns emerging, I know that I am heading down a familiar path.
I then know what I have to do. STOP, recognize, realize I am powerless over whatever it is at the moment and practice the principles in all my affairs. I am truly grateful today to my Higher Power whom I call God and my program that I no longer have to be a slave to my addictions. I am not perfect by any means and I don't practice perfection everyday but I'm getting better at living it.



"Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway." ~Mary C. Crowley

Only For Today

Happy Valentines Day!



Why I Don't Drink Anymore

Story in an alcohol forum posting:

"How come you don't drink anymore?" a renewed acquaintance from long ago asked the other day.
"Anymore than who?, I asked.
"I mean any longer. How come you don't drink anything these days?"
"Drink? I drink...coffee, milk, juice, tea, soda pop, water..."
"I mean drink" he said. " you know, booze."
"Oh, booze, No I don't drink booze any more, you're right," I said, "I couldn't trust it anymore. It turned on me. Once my friend, it became my enemy."
"Maybe you got a bad batch." he said.
"No the sauce is the same. I changed. Because I have this illness of alcoholism, my tolerance weakened. Alcoholism doesn't come in bottles, it comes in people."
"Sounds pretty confusing" the fellow said
"You think you're confused," I said, "You should have seen me. I drank for happiness and became unhappy... I drank for joy and became miserable... I drank to be outgoing and became self centered... I drank for sociability and became argumentative and lonely."
"I drank for sophistication and became crude and obnoxious...I drank for friendship and made enemies... I drank to soften sorrow and wallowed in self pity... I drank for sleep and wakened without rest."
"I drank for strength and felt weak.. I drank medicinally and got sick.. I drank because I thought my job called for it and I lost my job.. I drank for relaxation and got the shakes.. I drank for confidence and became uncertain.. I drank for courage and became afraid.. I drank for assurance and became doubtful... I drank to stimulate thought and blacked out... I drank to make conversation and it tied my tongue... I drank for warmth and lost my cool. I drank for coolness and lost my warmth... I drank to feel heaven and came to know hell. I drank to forget and became haunted. I drank for freedom and became a slave...I drank to erase problems and saw them multiply... I drank to cope with life and invited death ..or worse... I drank because I had the right and everything turned out wrong."
"Gosh!" My friend exclaimed, "That must have taken a bunch of booze to get you in that shape."
"Just one" I told him, "The first one. For me one is too many, and a thousand is not enough."
"So that is why you don't drink anymore...?"
"Yep, I make it a rule, I DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M SOBER!"


I can relate to this story. I drank in addition to quiet the racing thoughts and to slow myself down. I didn't know that with the medications I was taking, alcohol was like putting fuel on a fire. I would plunge into depression and then drink for the depression therefore starting the cycle all over again. I was in a vortex that I couldn't get out of.
Eventually, mania would rule once again and I would be free to drink as a "normal" person therefore setting into motion the pattern that my life had become. The truth to the matter was that I had become an alcoholic and no matter what the reason, I could not pick up the first drink. I was powerless over alcohol. As they say in AA, it is not the caboose that kills you.
By the way, one reason I say I don't drink anymore is I met my quota.

"Let love flow so that it cleanses the world. Then man can live in peace, instead of the state of turmoil he has created through his past ways of life, with all those material interests and earthly ambitions."
Sai Baba