Home Is Where the Heart Is

I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe I hate to go

For those that do not know, this is from the song written by John Denver while he was in the Washington airport in 1967, which is now known as Dulles International. I'm humming this tune as I will be flying out of Atlanta this afternoon heading back home to Michigan. I am holding back the tears that just beg to flow.
I want to live closer to my family. I would love to be able to see my parents and be there for them and help them out more. I have been away for so long now. I have to trust in God that if it is His will then it will happen. Dave and I have to provide the action but He will provide
the way.
I read in one of my daily meditations the other day that we should not ask God for what we need but trust and believe in Him to provide. Something to that idea. I took it to mean that we should not assume God's will for us but to trust that he knows what is best for us and WILL take care of us. It made perfect sense. I pray every day for God's will for me but then go into specific details of what I want Him to do. Pretty sad, huh? Somedays I think I am getting this and then, wham! I get hit in the head with a 2x4. I guess that is why it is progress not perfection. Man, I just love it!
Honey, turn the light on, I'm coming home!


"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Drama & Trauma

Comedy and tragedy masks. I call them drama and trauma. I relate so much that I had them tattooed upon my body. I won't say where but it is above the waist and not on my arm. I did this about 13 years or so ago. I was manic and this woman from the hospital that I was a patient with suggested we go get them together. She even offered to pay which sealed the deal with me. The damn thing cost $75.00 back then. And it is not real big.
The reason for the drama and trauma masks; I relate them to bipolar disorder. If you're not laughing hysterically, you crying uncontrollably. That was the story of my life. I was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder and struggling with my sobriety. My doc was trying to find just the right meds that worked with me. It would be years down the road before I would find stability. I was rageful, hypersexual, would go on spending sprees, and cry at the drop of a hat. I drank off and on for 8 years with as long as 2 years of continuous sobriety until I went out in 1999 for 10 years.
I have finally reached some semblance of normalcy since I have stopped drinking almost 1 1/2 years ago. My moods don't swing as bad as they did back in my early days of diagnosis. The right meds and absence alcohol have done wonders for the bipolar. I also quit smoking over 3 years ago and started an exercise program recently. I no longer have a death wish for myself. I care about what happens to me and those around me. I care about the world I live in. I attribute this to working the twelve steps of AA.


If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit

If you always do what you did, you'll always get what you got

Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Momma! Momma! Momma! Momma! Momma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Speaking of moms....being home is such a blessing. I am so comfortable around my parents and the ability to just blend in together. We can just hang out all day and not have to worry about entertaining each other. No one has to "put on the dog" so to say. Or in plain speak, to make a big deal. Ahh, the comforts of home!
While I have been here, I have been in my comfort zone. I don't have any real responsibility. No actual schedule to maintain. I feel like a total schmooze. I don't like that feeling. It scares me. I can used to this. The warm weather, the hanging out on the computer, reading, watching my taped shows, eating when I feel like it. It's like vacation. The only thing missing is the alcohol and it would be like the vacations of old. Oh yeah, and the beach. But it is ok today. I have walked through this sober before. I have set down patterns. I know what to do. Pray, get to a meeting, call my sponsor.
It is back to reality on Saturday. I need to get back into my routine before I get lazy. Walking every morning at the mall with friends, going to meetings and my volunteer work. Oh yes, I can't forget! Getting together with my sober friends for lunch and coffee. I miss meeting with my sponser and my sponsee. I am going to be alright.
I noticed on Yahoo Sports this morning that Miguel Cabrera of the Detroit Tigers was arrested late last night in St. Lucie County Florida for a DUI. He had a previous alcohol incident with a domestic disturbance in 2009. According to the AP "Police say Cabrera repeatedly refused to cooperate, saying, "Do you know who I am, you don't know anything about my problems." Reading the police report that they had obtained is really quite disheartening. Cabrera took a drink in front of the police officer from a bottle of scotch. He also kept walking into the roadway. I say all this not because he is a major league ball player but that this disease knows no socio-economic boundaries. It doesn't care how much money you make or who you are. This behavior shows the insanity of the disease. I like Cabrera. I like the Detroit Tigers. They have grown on me in the 13 years I have been in Michigan. It's a damn shame they will probably lose a good player. The sad part is that he may lose more than just his job.


"Alcohol doesn't console, it doesn't fill up anyone's psychological gaps, all it replaces is the lack of God. It doesn't comfort man. On the contrary, it encourages him in his folly, it transports him to the supreme regions where he is master of his own destiny."
Marguerite Duras

What? I am Not the Most Important Person in the Room?

I was watching Monday night's showing of Intervention yesterday. I was reminded of how selfish I was in my active addiction. There was a particular part where the woman was asked if she would go to treatment and she says " On my terms". I almost had to laugh. You're about to lose your child, your marriage, and most of all your life and you are bargaining? What terms could you possibly have? That just shows how cunning, baffling and powerful addiction is. It all made me think of the Toby Keith song I Wanna Talk About Me

I wanna talk about me
Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see
I like talking about you you you you, usually, but occasionally
I wanna talk about me (me,me,me,me- background singers)
I wanna talk about meeeeeeee (me,me- background singers)
(I wanna talk about me- background singers)mmmm me me me me
(I wanna talk about me- background singers)mmmm me me me me
You you you you you you you you you you you you you

I wanna talk about ME!


I'm not selfish but I am all I ever think about. I have to pray every morning and ask that God help me stay sober and relieve me from the bondage of self, that I may better serve Him. I do this because how many times during the day do I think about me? What I want, what others think about me, what will please me, what am I going to do. I don't naturally stop and think what I can give back to life.
I have realized from working the steps that pride and self-importance are character defects. I have to continually watch for these to crop up and work Step 7, Humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings. Sometimes I get tired from trying to do all this in a day. My head spins from all the thoughts going around, trying to work the steps, not be selfish, help others, what do I have to do today, yadda yadda yadda. Then voila! It dawns on me. I am BIPOLAR also. Slow my dumb ass down. Rome wasn't built in a day.

“To remove the evil of egoism, service is the most efficient instrument."

Sri Sathya Sai Baba