Insanity & Gratitude

The discussion this week in a meeting and with my sponsor has been insanity. Definition of insanity by Albert Einstien: doing the same over and over and expecting different results. I suppose that because we are in the 2nd month of the year and that coincides with step 2, the topic probably comes up quite often. My sponsor and I talked about how the insanity of step 2 is different than the insanity of bipolar disorder. The insanity is the result of the powerlessness and the unmanageability of step 1. We continue to drink in spite of all the consequences it causes. In step 2 though, we find the power that can restore us to sanity. Step 1 we identify the problem and in step 2 we find the solution. How simple she laid it out for me. I had done theses steps before and this was an eye opener. Wow! I love it!

Now on to the news at hand. A different kind of insanity. Gas prices. Yesterday it was $3.45. What is up with that? Are we going to continue to take it up the ass from the Middle East? I don't know if it is due to the unrest there but they have been at war for thousands of years now. So what's new? Now Ghadafi is going to destroy oil fields. I'm sure the next thing is we'll be in Libya poring all kinds of money into their defense. I am not a political reporter so this is a short bitch. I just know that on my limited income, I'll have to cut back on my driving somewhere. I don't drive that much now. I only have 67,000 miles on an 11 year old car.

Enough bitching. I am grateful I live in a free country with no war. I have a car to drive and the ability to purchase gas. I am free to worship whomever I want. I can write freely.
Thank God for my life.

Change is Going To Do You Good?

What I learned the other night at a meeting. My friend has her family just blasting her. "F_ck you Mom" and "You're out of control!" Her daughter is 21 and I was quick to tell her "put her out!" Another AA member says you need to be patient with your family. A lightbulb comes on. Of course, you are changing so they are used to the old family dynamics and the old you. They are going to bristle at the change.
I told her that my sponsor told me you don't have to be a door mat either. So where you you find that happy median? People new in sobriety are difficult to watch as I don't always have the answers they need. I too stuggle within my own life as to what some of the "answers" should be. My husband and I have had several discussions about my grown son, who lives with us, and some of his behaviors.
It just seems so easy around AA to discuss our problems with each other and come up with solutions. The hard part is going out in the world and practicing it. People don't respond in the way we expect them to. The wonderful thing I have found is that the only person I can control is myself and in doing so I surrender to win. If that makes any sense?


“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.” Arnold Bennett

Only For Today

Happy Valentines Day!



Why I Don't Drink Anymore

Story in an alcohol forum posting:

"How come you don't drink anymore?" a renewed acquaintance from long ago asked the other day.
"Anymore than who?, I asked.
"I mean any longer. How come you don't drink anything these days?"
"Drink? I drink...coffee, milk, juice, tea, soda pop, water..."
"I mean drink" he said. " you know, booze."
"Oh, booze, No I don't drink booze any more, you're right," I said, "I couldn't trust it anymore. It turned on me. Once my friend, it became my enemy."
"Maybe you got a bad batch." he said.
"No the sauce is the same. I changed. Because I have this illness of alcoholism, my tolerance weakened. Alcoholism doesn't come in bottles, it comes in people."
"Sounds pretty confusing" the fellow said
"You think you're confused," I said, "You should have seen me. I drank for happiness and became unhappy... I drank for joy and became miserable... I drank to be outgoing and became self centered... I drank for sociability and became argumentative and lonely."
"I drank for sophistication and became crude and obnoxious...I drank for friendship and made enemies... I drank to soften sorrow and wallowed in self pity... I drank for sleep and wakened without rest."
"I drank for strength and felt weak.. I drank medicinally and got sick.. I drank because I thought my job called for it and I lost my job.. I drank for relaxation and got the shakes.. I drank for confidence and became uncertain.. I drank for courage and became afraid.. I drank for assurance and became doubtful... I drank to stimulate thought and blacked out... I drank to make conversation and it tied my tongue... I drank for warmth and lost my cool. I drank for coolness and lost my warmth... I drank to feel heaven and came to know hell. I drank to forget and became haunted. I drank for freedom and became a slave...I drank to erase problems and saw them multiply... I drank to cope with life and invited death ..or worse... I drank because I had the right and everything turned out wrong."
"Gosh!" My friend exclaimed, "That must have taken a bunch of booze to get you in that shape."
"Just one" I told him, "The first one. For me one is too many, and a thousand is not enough."
"So that is why you don't drink anymore...?"
"Yep, I make it a rule, I DON'T DRINK WHILE I'M SOBER!"


I can relate to this story. I drank in addition to quiet the racing thoughts and to slow myself down. I didn't know that with the medications I was taking, alcohol was like putting fuel on a fire. I would plunge into depression and then drink for the depression therefore starting the cycle all over again. I was in a vortex that I couldn't get out of.
Eventually, mania would rule once again and I would be free to drink as a "normal" person therefore setting into motion the pattern that my life had become. The truth to the matter was that I had become an alcoholic and no matter what the reason, I could not pick up the first drink. I was powerless over alcohol. As they say in AA, it is not the caboose that kills you.
By the way, one reason I say I don't drink anymore is I met my quota.

"Let love flow so that it cleanses the world. Then man can live in peace, instead of the state of turmoil he has created through his past ways of life, with all those material interests and earthly ambitions."
Sai Baba