Tuesday, February 15, 2011

If You Can Claim It, You Can Name It

Just because you give up a substance doesn't mean you are well. You take a drunken horse thief and get him sober, you still have a horse thief. I have had to face some of those issues as I have grown in my sobriety. For one, I am still bipolar and I have to continue to take care of myself which means medication and in my case, therapy. I, gasp, have to continue to work at bettering myself. Second, having worked most of the steps, I have found that some of my character defects are addictions in themselves. I have had to take a good look at my shopping habits. I have a fondness for online shopping. I look for sales and bargains and justify it by saying it's too good of a deal to pass up. Other times I just happen to "need" the particular item in my repertoire. The problem is, I end up with a few things that do not fit, are way too young for me, or I end up not liking anyway.

Another sore spot is the computer. I can wile away time to the tune of several hours and not get anything productive done. One area I spent my time was Farmville. I started it with nothing particular in mind and before I knew it, I was racing home to harvest my crops. Then came the dog. She had to be fed or she would run away. I did lose one dog. I just couldn't let that happen again. So I scheduled my time to be there to feed her. But that wasn't the worst. I set up multiple Facebook accounts to get more neighbors. That way I could send myself stuff and also get a bigger farm. I have since extricated it from my Facebook.

Now I am here at my parent's and my mother is on Frontierville. She scares me. She makes me look like a mere peasant. She has had my sister have all her Mafia Wars friends to friend her so they can be neighbors. She now has 80 neighbors. There are hardly any family functions to speak of. You know where to find her now. She is in the computer room. My father has had knee surgery while I have been here and Mom took her laptop to the hospital. She had to feed her animals and harvest her crops. I even signed on to Frontierville so she could get gifts. I said I won't keep it but she asked me to just to send her gifts such as chocolates and lunch baskets. I am watching Intervention so that I know what we must do in order to save her from herself.

From Facebook FAA Discussions 9/15/2009:

My name is Stacey.
I am a Farm-A-Holic.
I thought I had it in control. But the need/ obsession took me over. I admit that I have neglected my friends and family. Being a housewife has enabled me to get my Farm fix multiple times throughout the day. I have added perfect strangers to my friends list in the quest for more neighbors. I have harrassed my real friends to play. And yes, I have even created multiple accounts so that I can gift myself the good gifts. I can't eat. I can't sleep. All I can do is farm. I know that I am sick. But I have no intention of stopping.

I know it may all sound like hooey but I think not. This reminds of some of the behaviors I exhibited during my using. The excitement, the camaraderie, the need for more, the craving, the let down. When I see these patterns emerging, I know that I am heading down a familiar path.
I then know what I have to do. STOP, recognize, realize I am powerless over whatever it is at the moment and practice the principles in all my affairs. I am truly grateful today to my Higher Power whom I call God and my program that I no longer have to be a slave to my addictions. I am not perfect by any means and I don't practice perfection everyday but I'm getting better at living it.

"Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway." ~Mary C. Crowley

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